I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
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Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
It’s my god-given right as an American to pretend a bar of soap is a credit card getting swiped on my b***cheeks.
Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.