I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
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Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
They grow up so quick
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
imagine you’re sleeping and then some giant hands grab you and pick you up and raise you in front of thousands of people. Then they read out loud something they say you said but you didn’t and you can’t talk but now everyone’s pissed at you.
Happy groundhog day.
My daughter wakes up everyday at
2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Pringles
