I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
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Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
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Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.