I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
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Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Them: why are you wearing fashion magazines?
Me: they’re articles of clothing
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Grew big
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh