Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.

farmer: hay

horse: I have a boyfriend

[enter password]

*Correct*

[your password is incorrect]

Me: ahh that’s right

*incorrect*

Login Successful

16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’

Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’

16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘

Me: *slam

I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.

“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge

Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.

for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”

If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British

Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.

Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird

Me: Me? Weird??

Husband: PLEASE

[ Later ]

Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour

we squint at the sun because it’s bright

we squint at people because they are not…

My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.

Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.

*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.

I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele

But here we are

Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken- what

Me: what

Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot

Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .

Boeing: we fixed all the problems

Passengers: is that Flex Seal?

“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”

-Floss

Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship

“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”

Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.