Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

Worst bar ever.

I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”

remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust

St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here

Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.

Well done the UK. Well done.

DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”

WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”

DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”

[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive

[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.

Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao

Me: what stopped you

*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette

I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.

The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son

Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn

*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.

This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.

If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.

A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.

If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.

Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born

My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.

ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.

Narrator: There was no narrator.

[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter

SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.

Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?

i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.