I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
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Spa day..😅
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
God has left this place
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what