I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
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My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.
Me: Okay.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
“HELP WITH CAT”
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.