Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.

I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?

I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.

No one:

My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.

(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)

Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.

[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”

The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.

me: I’m not feeling well

doctor: take your glove off

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.

Cat 911: What’s your emergency

Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish

Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it

Cat:

Cat 911:

Cat: Haha hahaha

Cat 911: hahahha

Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter

[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”

Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent

Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?

Hear toddler having meltdown at Target

Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.

They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.

A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal

Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about

No one girl should have all that power. 😂

If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.

A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.

Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.

“The world is finally getting back to normal”

Omicron:

Job interview with the NSA

Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!

[mocking jay part 2]

jay: come on guys please stop

warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.

6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.

-No DNA test needed

tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.

My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.