I like my women like I like my bugsā¦
In my bed š¬
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Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for ānot playing Barbies rightā bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smokerās lung and lives above a pizzeria.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe Iām sending out feelers.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. Weāre gonna see who can eat the most dogs
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is heās still feeling well enough to make āyo mamaā jokes.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isnāt one
(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap
Iāve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said āOh, sorryā and closed the door like Iād walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you havenāt seen for years with the words, āWow. Youāve aged badlyā¦ā
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hourā¦when I was sitting down the whole time
If anyone is interested Iāll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Matt Goss
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: Iād be lost without u
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, Iāll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
stop it stop it donāt cook him stop
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I donāt think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, youāve got one job!
I donāt know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
āGreat choice. California is known for its chickens.ā
ā me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
One minute youāre young and wild, the next youāve got a hankerinā to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name