I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed đŹ
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Who called it âThe Last Supperâ and not âJesus take the mealâ
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didnât you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still canât keep me away from light bulbs
Email translations:
âI was under the impressionâ
Translation: Iâm furiousâAs per my emailâ
Translation: Iâm furiousâWith respectâ
Translation: Iâm furiousâWhilst I appreciateâ
Translation: Iâm furiousâAs Iâm sure youâre awareâ
Translation: Iâm furiousâAs previously discussedâ
Translation: Iâm furious
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
me: [being abducted by aliens] iâm not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Girlfriend: Why canât you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and Iâm getting a little worried about my cake.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
*at dinner table*
Me: âRemember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?â
Her:
Me: âAnyway, Iâm sorry.â
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Bruce Banner: Please donât make me angry. Iâm begging you. Todayâsâ
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Whatâs the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
As you get older youâre supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says âseggsâ instead of sex.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing âHead & Shoulders Neeson toesâ.
Iâm listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl itâs pissing me off