I like my women like I like my bugsā¦
In my bed š¬
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Iām so broke right now, Iām gonna have to be renamed, āMcDonaldās ice cream machineā.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend Iād not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Every history textbook chapter should start with āeveryone was just minding their own business, and THENā
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldnāt even have all his thumb rings off yet.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
If you offer me celery Iāll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you exās. That way theyāll ask for you and ruin their day.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious whatās in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
āSorry, weāre clothedā ā Manager at a Nudist resort
This day in history. 1965. The Whoās equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Wife *yelling from other room* youāre making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesnāt want his brother to stare at him in the car.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing thatāll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
By Kate Hatos
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think itās great. Wouldnāt fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
New neighbor came over and said āIām required by state law to introduce myself.ā Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
You canāt stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Thereās nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Iām deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
I showered today because I know I wonāt want to tomorrow. Iām a planner.