I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 馃槵
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Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Lunatics are gonna loon.
jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 馃檮
“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
(yawn)
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
I鈥檓 proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 馃槒
Him: We all are…
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.