I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
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The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Previously On Persistence 😎
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
#JohnTravolta
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Sheep
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.