I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
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Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Single worst piece of software ever invented
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
described my dog as a “man of few words” and the uber driver didn’t laugh. gonna open the door on the freeway.
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to
?” You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.