I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
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This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone