I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
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I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Can’t stop laughing
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Smallpox sounds so adorable
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃