Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here, let me loosen those morals for you.

Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.

You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.

Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?

Me: Buy stuff

Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.

Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”

Me: Go get everyone for dinner please

6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!

Me: I meant go walk and get them

6: But I like using my mommy voice

Me:

6: The screaming

Me: I got it

Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill

I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.

A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours

[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?

Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?

…

CIA: They’re*

Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.

Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.

Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:

Bruce Killis

pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign

computer: create username

me: liamneesonskid

computer: username has been taken

*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience

Flowers bee like

My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.

Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”

3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”

Me: “Did you throw the ball?”

3: “No, my bat did.”

Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?

Stranger: He’s over there!

Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]

[job interview for psychic]

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME: Well played.

I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”

I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.

I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.

Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive

Getting ready for school this morning:

Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”

5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”

Me: “……..no.”

Social media for large reptiles: Instagator

Chinese military tactics are pure genius.

OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.