if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
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You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”