I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
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Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Me sliding into hell like
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.