I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
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*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
I like how “not my circus, not my monkeys” softly implies that you DO have a circus—perhaps even complete with monkeys—but this isn’t it
So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
this got me crying😭😭
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time