Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: I’m an animal activist.

ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.

@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck

*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3

*cough*

My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.

ME: is this the soup of the day

WAITER: it’s an aquarium

ME: ok I’ll have that

Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.

*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet

Me: I could survive in the wild.

Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.

Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.

i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks

Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.

wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed

Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings

Getting ready for school this morning:

Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”

5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”

Me: “……..no.”

CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore

also CEOs:

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”

You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.

8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.

Me: You were only at school for two days.

8: You weren’t there.

I met my wife on Tinder.!

*After 4 months of marriage

I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.

If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious

Amen

I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.

DTF (Down time finally)

-mom’s everywhere

A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?

College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens

been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.

Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.

If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?