Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times

Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes

Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes

“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.

Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.

Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.

The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.

Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.

Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️

when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.

Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?

I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.

-me canceling my Dr appt

me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size

wife: is that danny devito

DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor

ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.

Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.

fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever

It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.

My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again

If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey

Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.

[Taken 26]

Abductor: I have your great granddaughter

LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago

I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19

-Prime Minister

2022 will be better than 2021

48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.

People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!

It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…

Don’t have kids.