I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
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A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval
just leave the danger noodle alone
sincerely,
a medical toxicologist
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Sending in my taxes
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.