I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
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No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”