I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
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If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
christening a ship with an overripe banana
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
#dalle2
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink