Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.

THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.

I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.

Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”

only baby boomers will get this:

*pension*

Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t

Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?

Server: Congratulations, ma’am

Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?

S: Your husband said you’re eating for two

M: Oh she’s not pregnant

W: I despise you

All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?

In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.

she has a smile full of sesame seeds

Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?

All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.

I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this

If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.

Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.

Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school

My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.

My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”

Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.

reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”

If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”

Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.

It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.

Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party

Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party

I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.

if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am

My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.