Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t

A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.

my New Year’s Eve plans:

– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed

Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir

If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.

I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section

Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.

7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.

Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?

-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut

[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?

her: i like a guy that can last long 😉

me, a piece of flavored gum: shit

Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?

Apparently, all that was left was da brie.

***ba dum tissssss***

Legend of Tarzan 2:

Tarzan meets other primates.

He befriends them all.

He teaches them to fight.

It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.

It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies

sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”

and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭

[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count

The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…

I’m gonna miss that baby…

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

[commercial]

“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”

narrator: Narrators

If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.

I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?

My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything

God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out

Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?

God: lol no no no, the hair on their head

Angel: [under breath] i miss satan

do what now??

Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.

Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.