“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
You Might Also Like
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Black magic is kinda racist, but it’s better than nigga wizardry
If your problem can be solved by:
Then you don’t really have a problem.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Me: I’m heading off now.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now