@DothTheDoth

I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.

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@meatballwizard

If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at someone’s house, I eat a few pieces.

@sixfootcandy

Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*

@BoredomDidIt

3am

Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?

@EndhooS

Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit

@mattvalleau

Pet Review: Horses

Cost: Thousands of dollars
Pros: Bragging about owning a horse
Cons: Can literally kick your face off, big teeth

1.5/10

@jctwritesstuff

*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*

@TheMichaelRock

Justin Bieber made a racist joke when he was 15.

Quick, someone give him $2 billion for his basketball team to teach him a lesson.

@chanelpuke

Ppl who make fun of outfit repeating? I look bomb af so I’m gonna wear this again I’ll even wear it to your funeral if you keep talking shit

@richardmarx

Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.

@longwall26

Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.