There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
You Might Also Like
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby