@DothTheDoth

I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.

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@blade_funner

STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?

PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.

@treywafer

Black magic is kinda racist, but it’s better than nigga wizardry

@CandyEmpires

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

@jlock17

Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.

@GrantTanaka

[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it

@djdarrellripley

I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.

@thereverendcink

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now