If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at someone’s house, I eat a few pieces.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
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Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Pet Review: Horses
Cost: Thousands of dollars
Pros: Bragging about owning a horse
Cons: Can literally kick your face off, big teeth
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Justin Bieber made a racist joke when he was 15.
Quick, someone give him $2 billion for his basketball team to teach him a lesson.
Ppl who make fun of outfit repeating? I look bomb af so I’m gonna wear this again I’ll even wear it to your funeral if you keep talking shit
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.