Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.

Yup

everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg

Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!

I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words

My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby

My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo

[leaving parents’ house]

HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.

ME: Ya he also has another one.

It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?

It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.

quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric

Do zombies go to heaven when they die?

I hope so.

There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.

I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”

scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien

I have a type: disappointing

What do you call a place where you can purchase bootleg horror movies?

A spook-easy.

#dadjokes

I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.

Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate

*pulled over by cop*

Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?

*tags cop*

Me: You’re it!

Cop:

Me running away: Renewed!

Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,

WE HATE YOU!

Sincerely,

Everyone born in December.

Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.

me: make me the coolest guy

genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u

me: son of a

date: I’m a really big people person

frankenstein: omg, same

centipede: *trips*

*but for like, an hour*

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”

Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.

Two reasons I don’t trust people:

1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.

ㅤ

Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology