@ChiefTwittler

I like my women so intelligent that it takes me days to realize I was insulted.

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@_wangwe

Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.

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@shashaintl

What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*

@Mom_Overboard

Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?

Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell

@TheAlexNevil

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”

Me: “When can I start?”

@dksc4life

T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said

@prodigal_bran

6: Dad, did you used to be a cop?

Me: No, why do you ask? Is it because I’m cool under pressure and demand your respect?

6: No, I found handcuffs under your bed.