I like my women so intelligent that it takes me days to realize I was insulted.

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Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.




What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*


Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?

Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell


*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest


Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”

Me: “When can I start?”


T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said


6: Dad, did you used to be a cop?

Me: No, why do you ask? Is it because I’m cool under pressure and demand your respect?

6: No, I found handcuffs under your bed.