Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: one admission please

Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home

In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.

In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.

[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5

I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.

“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”

Me on my first day as a mortician

Sneaking up behind people and marrying them

Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem

I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?

Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.

Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher

Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.

Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.

My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:

“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”

If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.

DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making

ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS

Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..

Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?

Me: Still no signs…

boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago

*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..

* whole family gasps while gazing intently*

Me: …so many…DM Rooms

Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.

Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors

My lamps:

[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.

Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.

Me at 2 a.m.:

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat

In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????

Im out of cotton balls. 😒

Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’

Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…

Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

I’m in a High Occupancy lane

Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?

Yeah I’m HIGH lol

Cop: My bad, free to go

*At an auction*

Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬

Host: What now? 🤨

Me *bids farewell*

Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.

I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane