I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
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“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
I’m at my most pacman when I try and get to the snack table at a party without interacting with a single person.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Me: [getting stabbed by criminal] buddy this seems illegal