I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
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ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what