I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.

What can I say, I really loves them big feet.

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I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”


“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.


I’m at my most pacman when I try and get to the snack table at a party without interacting with a single person.


No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.


WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit

ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?


You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.