Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery

So the ex texted me

Me taking notes in a meeting 😅

Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.

Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.

*Makes a meal plan for the week*

*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*

If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.

We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.

Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”

Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels

[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]

Interested in both term and whole life insurances.

[bank]

Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!

Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke

Robber: No I mean-

Robber2: Wait! Let him finish

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*

Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.

Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?

8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!

Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.

I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.

chat, i am full of concern

obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two

If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this

Kevin E

Then he’s pretty damn stupid…

wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction

me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece

[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.

BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.

Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?

BFF: I hate you.

I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.

After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers

Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?

Henopause

Annnd, send tweet.

[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]

Stylist: How’s the water temperature?

[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]

Me: It’s fine

If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.

god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy

[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*

When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you