I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
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After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.