Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead

I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.

Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.

If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk

dr: we had to remove your colon

me why

ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night

WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.

I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’

I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’

That boy is a future diplomat.

when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test

I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.

I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.

Opponent: I wish you luck

Me: Tha—

Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.

Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey

[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?

“Bring your own beer”

Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat

if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them

My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.

[Before the post office was invented]

SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document

PIGEON: *simply existing*

SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy

My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?

Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES

I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit

Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from women

Post-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon

Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.

Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…

Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.

If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.

Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.

picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet

oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments

How much for the goth pool noodles?

The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.

All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year

If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle