I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
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Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
i actually laughed 😩
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto