Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one

Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…

devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up

A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich

My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.

There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.

Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?

Me: Is married a number?

That’s how I get the good meds…

My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.

The sun got the nerve to be out.

Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING

I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.

*smokes fat doobie*

*enters hotdog eating contest*

*sets Guinness World Record*

*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*

Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake

man: and her body has been stolen

me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take

man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin

me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake

Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.

My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.

[Putting on a fitted sheet]

Me: Dammit this is the short side.

Me: This is somehow also the short side.

BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god

aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors

I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.

I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”

despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years

“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace

“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice

Me: I love fresh bed linen

Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?

Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off