I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
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I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
☠️ ☠️
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Put the is in disheveled
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?