Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.

My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”

Coronavirus: LOL.

said in every police drama ever

– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin

The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.

Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.

It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said

the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling

[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*

My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her

I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there

The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.

Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??

“Amanda Seyfried (left)”

[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan

is losing your mind a hobby?

Cop: Can I see some ID?

Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]

Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge

If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.

Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?

Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.

I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.

Real bees work best

how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames

*updates tinder bio*

I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.

So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.

Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.

*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?

me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it

you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks