I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
You Might Also Like
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
When I’m driving past a middle lane hogger, I can’t help but take a good look at the driver, as part of my extensive research into what really annoying people look like
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.