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HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
For the ones in the back.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
this is the news I live for
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?