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Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
We’ve all been there…
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.