I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
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Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
On the night before Christmas, I was taking a walk,
Avoiding my girlfriend, who “needed to talk.”
When what on my new hat did appear,
But a sprinkling of poo from eight flying reindeer!
The old sleigh driver flew on so quick,
I shook my fist and yelled, “You stupid prick!”
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
We decided to have money instead of children.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?