I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
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Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.