Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?

“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.

My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.

Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.

Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee

Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.

He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”

I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!

i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it

What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.

If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code

“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”

“HR? You don’t have a job.”

“Tell them that.”

I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never

You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.

[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants

Genie: I will grant you one wish

Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind

Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle

me: a carrot is a crop

friend: yes

me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top

former friend: i suppose

i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video

Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.

Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.

What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.

Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁

My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”

You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.

Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus

“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”

The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.