Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.

(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….

Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it

Someone: your tweet is unnecessary

Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT

Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed

Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME

Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?

me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe

WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer

If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.

Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean

My 4-year-old:

I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast

Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time

Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster

“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?

*Grilling salmon

TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK

I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant

For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.

Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.

[speed dating]

date: what’s your biggest turn on?

me: wind turbines

date: ah i’m not a big fan

me: next

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?

HER: give me back my baby

I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.

My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?

Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)

[At the car dealership]

Me: See, this has everything I want, right here

Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale

[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]

Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.

9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.

The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.

Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo

Alfred: right away, Bruce-o

[buying groceries]

me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?

Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not

[1 year later]

Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong

*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it