Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just went to the Oreo website and hit “accept all cookies” … and now we wait

My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…

She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.

Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?

Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.

My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.

There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.

I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.

tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I think people find me intimidating

Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-

Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder

I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”

me: this glass is too small

bartender: would you prefer a tumbler

me: yes

acrobat: what can I get you

My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate

Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now

Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.

Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”

ㅤ

Well. That’s not a good sign.

Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.

We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.

While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.

*kid finds Easter Basket

Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?

“What else you get?!”

A lasagna recipe..

“Great make dinner”

We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.

I have the body of a 30yr old

Sofa.

When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…

[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,

wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?

[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright

$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!

(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.

“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”

*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*

“Ah nuts that was a good one.”

Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.

Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.