Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
You Might Also Like
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
A little too much information.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Our lord and savoury.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast