Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just pretend nothing happened

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.

Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯

Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind

How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.

*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*

I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me

Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”

I whispered back, “bring pizza”

“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.

You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.

The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.

If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean

[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend

I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.

Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower

Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.

told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”

All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.

I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.

*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man

YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.

I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.

there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body

I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address

Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.

Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent

By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.

<first date>

Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*

Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*