Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind

*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*

I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”

Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?

She should play the lottery too !

I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.

And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.

Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.

At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian

If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.

People with pretty privilege?

You mean the gourgeoisie???

HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.

1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED

STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

her: sugar?

me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?

her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave

Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies

At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out

“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.

This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.

me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.

my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔

Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?

REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?

ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes

[a 31st dog walks by]

ME: oh no

Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,

I’m a terrible gardener.

I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.

Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.

If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.

the simulation is moving too fast

Judge: I find you guilty of all charges

Neutron: This is some bullshit