I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
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I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.