Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?

me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest

Sometimes I’m right.

Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.

[carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full

My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.

Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.

It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy

I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.

Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.

Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.

Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.

I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming

I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.

Single worst piece of software ever invented

Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.

DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.

I used the label maker

Me: *in the dentist chair*

Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.

I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*

I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.

“I’m a night owl”

All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.

Krampus.

Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit

My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.

Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter

C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.

Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.

nurse: height

me: i’m 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what