Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tik Tok is a national treasure.

Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you

Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.

Me: We can wait a few days.

Wife: We’re out of beer.

Me: *dives in the car*

Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good

I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”

I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.

Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.

They have a budget of $430,000…

I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.

Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year

My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.

If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.

You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding

While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.

Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday

Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-

Wife: I just heard something downstairs.

Me: It’s just the wind.

Wife: Go and see.

Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.

This is my emotional support chloroform rag

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.

Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?

If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.

A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.

Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?

It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”

Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.

Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month

Me: ok I won’t.

[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]

Wife:

Me: starting now.

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein

barbara was highly relatable