I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
You Might Also Like
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Rather alarming headline…
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.