I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
You Might Also Like
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!