I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
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Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.