Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor

You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix

In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.

Bad joke of the day:

How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.

Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right

*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

twitter users today:

Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?

Me: Lol I know right

Therapist: For real though

Me: Can you imagine haha

Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion

Me: Wait, that’s an option?

If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.

doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!

nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet

Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!

Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.

Mine:

“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”

Oddly specific.

I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.

My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally

Building contractors don’t want your help, Annie, even when you offer them your Altoids tin full of brads.

My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”

My guardian angel deserves a raise

Wearing thermal leggings at my age means I need to go to the toilet 3 minutes before I need to go to the toilet.

One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.

Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread

Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?

[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”

ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors

Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?

Pac-Man: *deep breath*

Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.

Me: Fair enough, Carl.