I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
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God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good