Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
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UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Buying a well is money well spent.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant