@charliedelta7

I like taking my cats out for a drive to show them roadkill so they know what will happen if they ever leave me.

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@sageboggs

It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”

@ms__pauline

I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!

but nooooo, he’s still alive

@girl_a_whirl

Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off

@dinokitten

[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”

-What is goingon?

“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”

@JeffMyspace

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
[Montage of Humpty picking apples, carving some pumpkins, jumping into piles of raked leaves]

@LurkAtHomeMom

Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.

@DVSblast

if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”

@online_shawn

I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane

@TuSoonShakur

*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*

Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”