The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
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you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.