Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.

I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)

me: I’d like one mcdouble please

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty

When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.

Me: [walking through front door]

4: Is it storming outside?

Me: Yeah it is buddy.

4: Did you get hit by lighting?

Me: Nope I’m all safe-

4: Why not?

[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]

Date: What’s your favourite meal?

Me: Poop

Date: What?

Me: SOUP, I like eating soup

I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

[Justice League Disney Hotel]

Me: can I have some help with my bags?

Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.

The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.

I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.

I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window

LOL at people with only 99 problems

What’s that like?

Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.

My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”

Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.

No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.

I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.

Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops

Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”

told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”

Courageously battles through my ice cream headache

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”

😜

I hate fungi but then it grew on me.

Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.

There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one

Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?

ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship

PIRATE: …Aye

ME: 😊

P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya

I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.