I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
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FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”