I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
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Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.