@cloudypianos

I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.

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@BoogTweets

Me: how much for the horse kabobs

Ride operator: it’s a carousel

@Cunda22

I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.

@zachreinert03

Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no

@treydayway

I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.

@Reverend_Scott

Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly

@RobinMcCauley

I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.

@Lisabug74

I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.

@FForEffort1

So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”