I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
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I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
never deleting this app.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”