I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.

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Me: how much for the horse kabobs

Ride operator: it’s a carousel


I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.


Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no


I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.


Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly


I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.


I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.


So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”