I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
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I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Perfect.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder