I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do

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Me: I want beer

Cashier: ok how much



Me: I want it so so much


My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks


I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain


16 and pregnant should be followed by 26 and sucking c**k for crack.


I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.


Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?


Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.


Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.


Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever


Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.