@ieatanddrink

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do

You Might Also Like

@ClichedOut

Me: I want beer

Cashier: ok how much

Me:

Cashier:

Me: I want it so so much

@gabemakesmusic

My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks

@heychikabumbum

I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain

@tonygootana

16 and pregnant should be followed by 26 and sucking c**k for crack.

@ddsmidt

I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.

@RdrJay47

Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?

@iamtomskinner

Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.

@KentWGraham

Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.

@TheToddWilliams

Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever

@weinerdog4life

Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.