” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
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[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
The human personality is made of five key elements
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.