@hayes_t_r

I like telling people I’m 4 months pregnant so they’ll tell me how great I look.

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@TheTweetOfGod

Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.

@loudmouth_usa

Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud

@thenatewolf

“You are terrible at metaphors.”

“Wow. Jealousy is a bad moustache on you.”

@jmspool

Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.

@alovablenerd

the top three reasons people break up:

-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types

@Browtweaten

Friend: Why are you crying?

Me: I’m having trouble dealing with my mom’s passing

Mom: *chucks football* Learn to catch and you won’t get hit, nerd

@Steelers1972

Three things that are certain in life~

1) Death

2) Paying taxes

3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….

@robyn_vo

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.