I like telling people I’m 4 months pregnant so they’ll tell me how great I look.

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Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.


Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud


“You are terrible at metaphors.”

“Wow. Jealousy is a bad moustache on you.”


Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.


the top three reasons people break up:

-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types


Friend: Why are you crying?

Me: I’m having trouble dealing with my mom’s passing

Mom: *chucks football* Learn to catch and you won’t get hit, nerd


Three things that are certain in life~

1) Death

2) Paying taxes

3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….


I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.