Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
I like telling people I’m 4 months pregnant so they’ll tell me how great I look.
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Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
“You are terrible at metaphors.”
“Wow. Jealousy is a bad moustache on you.”
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
the top three reasons people break up:
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Friend: Why are you crying?
Me: I’m having trouble dealing with my mom’s passing
Mom: *chucks football* Learn to catch and you won’t get hit, nerd
Three things that are certain in life~
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.