I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
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A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
“you look easy to draw”
When I snag the last meatball.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do