Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.

Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.

*files a restraining order against reality*

Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.

Step 2: Print a 3D printer.

Step 3: Return the 3D printer.

Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!

3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!

This is every influencer giving “advice.”

The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.

Me after 1 airport cocktail:

It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.

Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.

[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah

“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”

Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?

Me: did I look like I was paying attention?

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party

There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.

If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath

Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.

Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?

Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.

Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money

Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.

*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*

HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?

ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes

The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.

KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears

I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.

I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me

If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean

If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.

How?

Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.

6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?

Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.

My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.