I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
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A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
I never needed anything more in my life
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Tammy is short for Tamuel
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks